Desperate and Self-Righteous
Have you ever looked in the mirror at the lowest point of your life (so far)? I have. It wasn't pretty, and I didn't recognize myself. I even said out loud, "Who are you?" I didn't know who was staring back at me, but I knew I didn't want to see that again. At my lowest (that I have ever experienced) I felt unrelenting desperation that I had never felt before. I remember the feeling distinctly because I would have done anything at that point to fill that gaping hole that had overtaken me. It developed over weeks and months of ignoring various truths. I had also lost sight of the one thing I need only be desperate for in life.
Fast forward to today, and I have had some many realizations since that night. I've realized that before last year I had been extremely self-righteous in my heart and I was blind to it. I had the mentality that I was on the right path, that I didn't need to work on anything within myself. 2018 was a huge wrecking ball that knocked me off my self-righteous pedestal. I wasn't outwardly expressive of this, but in my heart and mind, it was prominent. The past year showed me that ALL of us could make foolish choices and mistakes. We ALL feel guilt and shame. No one is immune from sin or the consequences of sin. It doesn't matter how much I have learned or what has been deeply rooted in me, the choices I made, and the choices I will make are all a part of my story and my development. Regardless of how I feel about my decisions, I know God can use them for good. I needed to shed the self-righteous layer around my heart and without some unwise choices that would not have happened.
I also realized that there are so much depth and unknown territory in our hearts that it takes a lifetime to work through, which brings me to my new everyday mantra, one day at a time. This little phrase has immense meaning especially looking at scripture, Matthew 6: 34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I came across this scripture that I've pretty much read multiple times throughout my entire life, and I immediately equated it to one day at a time. As I move through this new season, I realize that I have so much to work on within myself and that is overwhelming and at times discouraging. I kept thinking, how did I get to this point? I can't believe I've brought myself to this place? But God reminded me that our emotions and hearts are deep. Things we cannot see and feel are still present within us, and different people and situations in life bring those things to light. I've had so many things brought into the light that is at times scary but also a relief. Clinging to the patient practice of taking each new development within myself one day at a time means so much more to me now.
All of the above realizations have brought me to the understanding that I have an unquestionable and undeniable DESPERATE need for Jesus. I need Him every second, minute, hour, and day. The new awareness of myself that I am experiencing has made me realize how desperately I need God. I couldn't possibly work through this new season without Him and His grace. Without 2018, I would not have arrived in this new place — one, where God is molding something beautiful from the dust of my disappointments and hurt.
My hope and prayer are that something from this piece of my story resonates with you. I hope that whatever you might be going through you can see the beauty in pain and let it mold you into who you are supposed to be. Just take it one day at a time friends.
All My Love,