2018 was not my year. It went from being very high to very low. The best word to describe last year is "pain." I pursued SO many things that I shouldn't have. I focused so much on what I wanted that I sought things that were bad for me. I felt worthless at times and like a burden. I felt very low and very high ALL the time. I was selfish. I lost myself. I lost sight of who I am. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get back to me. I set my hope in the wrong person, and it crashed, hard. I let someone treat me like I was disposable. I felt used. Not cherished. Not loved. I felt numb. I gave of myself and felt drained. I was surrounded by what I now see as toxicity. I never thought I would find myself in this place. I experienced love and heartbreak all in the same year. Some might say that I'm wrong, but at the end of the day only you know how you feel. Did I ask for this? No. I felt like I was on a roller coaster that didn't stop. I couldn't get off until now.
Now, I'm released. I'm free. Because of God, good and gracious and merciful God showed me time and time again that I wasn't alone. He brought me, new friends. He stayed by my side even when I pushed Him away to make myself feel better about my choices. There is a purpose in pain. God has been reminding me of all the things I drove away. God is within me, and he holds me up. He has been there all along through my wrong decisions. Through the mental suffering, I have felt. He is showing me that He had to strip everything away and take me back to the beginning. Take me back to dust. It is in this place that God is going to do a new thing within me. Clarity has invaded my soul, and I have realized that I will move on and I will become stronger. Instead of just "being okay" I will be more. I will not be defeated, abandoned, used, or left worthless. So with my next inhale I exhale that in 2019 I will be stronger and I will be well, and I will be more. I will be ALL of that because God says it. One second at a time. One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time.
All My Love for 2019,