One minute you’re 13 and walking home after school. You’re singing a new song you just learned and twirling around. Everything feels light and innocent, and you feel the sunshine on your face, and you believe with all of your heart that the world is good and beautiful. That nothing can hurt you and all people are kind and have good intentions, and the world is an image of open arms and warm embraces.
You’re 27, and the weight of evil and wrong are heavy on your shoulders. The loss of innocence is heartbreaking, and what was once bright is now dark, and you couldn’t possibly imagine the world being so cruel and cold, but you find yourself sobbing in your car and wondering if you could ever feel like your old self again. Or if your new self can feel both light and dark and survive?
And you think of that little girl. She’s sweet and kind and naive. She doesn’t know what you know. She doesn’t feel what you feel. The little girl's eyes shine with innocence, and she believes in the...
When you remodel a house the first step is demolition taking out the old and stripping away what no longer belongs. I couldn't help but compare it to what God does to us. It never occurred to me that one day God might start this process with me.
I always thought of God doing small things over time, but lately, I feel like a massive remodel. I feel bare and exposed like a stripped-down house, and the vulnerability is terrifying. I have never felt so afraid of being open.
If I sat and made a list, there is an unbelievable amount of things that were once central in my life that is no longer there.
I have been trying so hard to figure out why I'm going through this remodel, and the only conclusion is He is making something new. The demolition made me acutely aware of how human I am. Which in turn helped me realize just how much I need God and how I am not in control. Being self-reliant isn't an option anymore.
Because without Him I can't make a single sound decision.
Have you ever looked in the mirror at the lowest point of your life (so far)? I have. It wasn't pretty, and I didn't recognize myself. I even said out loud, "Who are you?" I didn't know who was staring back at me, but I knew I didn't want to see that again. At my lowest (that I have ever experienced) I felt unrelenting desperation that I had never felt before. I remember the feeling distinctly because I would have done anything at that point to fill that gaping hole that had overtaken me. It developed over weeks and months of ignoring various truths. I had also lost sight of the one thing I need only be desperate for in life.
Fast forward to today, and I have had some many realizations since that night. I've realized that before last year I had been extremely self-righteous in my heart and I was blind to it. I had the mentality that I was on the right path, that I didn't need to work on anything within myself. 2018 was a huge wrecking ball that knocked me off my self-righteous pedestal...
I was casually scrolling through Instagram. Liking pictures mindlessly and then I saw it. An image that shook me, literally. I felt like I was spinning and I felt like I was going to throw up. I can’t quite describe the feeling, but it was one of the worst ones I’ve ever felt in my life. I immediately knew I needed fresh air. I needed a walk. I grabbed my pup and took her for a walk. As soon as I was alone, I started hyperventilating. Every breath was a struggle, and my chest was on fire while tears just flowed uncontrollably from my eyes. I couldn’t understand my thoughts because they were firing off so fast. It was at that moment everything I had placed hope in for weeks was crushed.
This crushing was brutal. I’ve never experienced that before. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I felt low and dark. I realized I had a panic attack. I called my brother, and I just poured it out, everything up until that point. It made me feel an ounce better, but my nausea didn’t leave. I went to be...
2018 was not my year. It went from being very high to very low. The best word to describe last year is "pain." I pursued SO many things that I shouldn't have. I focused so much on what I wanted that I sought things that were bad for me. I felt worthless at times and like a burden. I felt very low and very high ALL the time. I was selfish. I lost myself. I lost sight of who I am. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get back to me. I set my hope in the wrong person, and it crashed, hard. I let someone treat me like I was disposable. I felt used. Not cherished. Not loved. I felt numb. I gave of myself and felt drained. I was surrounded by what I now see as toxicity. I never thought I would find myself in this place.
I experienced love and heartbreak all in the same year. Some might say that I'm wrong, but at the end of the day only you know how you feel. Did I ask for this? No. I felt like I was on a roller coaster that...
I'm not one to share my political or controversial side on social media but my heart is heavy.
When I looked at the faces of the fifty-nine victims of the Las Vegas shooting I felt an overwhelming sorrow. A deep confusion. And my head filled with why?
Each person, whose life was taken, had a life. They drank coffee with their wife or husband. Ate dinner with their families. Loved their students. Fought for their country. Defended their city. Enjoyed walks at sunset. Laughed with their coworkers. They knew love. Loss. Good. Bad. And now they're gone. So quickly. Their lives stripped so selfishly from them. A single act of evil.
The hate, sorrow, and confusion are overwhelming. How can someone commit such an evil act? What broke this person?
But in the midst of the wondering and the questions, I know this truth, evil and hate do not win. Love triumphs. Love abounds.
Love can heal. Love overcomes. Love hopes. Love comforts. Love is the answer. Love is the truth. Love is greater than hate....
I came across a post on my Instagram feed a few days ago that really resonated with me. I have never read words before that described me so well. I have always had a hard time understanding myself and I have often wondered if other people feel the same.
"When I get honest,
I admit that I am a bundle of paradoxes,
I believe and I doubt.
I hope and I get discouraged.
I love and I hate.
I feel bad about feeling good,
and I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
I am trusting and suspicious.
I am honest and I still play games.
I am convinced and I am confused.
I long to be vulnerable,
yet I remain my own barrier in doing so.
I pursue and I retreat.
I act like I don't care when I do.
I don't always know the answers,
but I usually pretend to.
I say I trust God but in reality
I would say I rely more on my own sense of self-protection.
I'm messy. I'm learning. I'm imperfect.
I'm content. I'm human. I'm His kid.
He loves me. He's proud of me.
He's not finished with me.
I know it's been a minute. Or a few months. I haven't kept myself accountable about writing. I feel like I have been in my own head for awhile now. It isn't a dark deep "in my head" but more of thinking too much about EVERYTHING.
The amount of overthinking I conduct on a daily basis would scare any normal person. It's crazy. My mind is full of tangled thoughts and ideas. It has been hard for me to concentrate on one specific thought.
Anyway I have re-emerged for the time being and I wanted to say hi. I hope that I won't leave after this post for four more months but if I'm being honest it could happen.
There have been a few times over the last four months I have had some sparks of inspiration to write but I never took the initiative. Have you ever wondered why you didn't do something? That's been me for the last several weeks. Why do we make the decisions we make? Why do we make the choices we make? Why do we choose the people we choose? And how does God tie into all of th...